As you know, I'm 2 weeks away from giving birth. I've been balancing my pregnancy, the hormones that come with it, accepting and trying to nurture what is basically a new relationship, my children's acceptance (what there is of it) of the relationship, their excitement of finally having a little baby brother/sister, a full-time job (up until a couple weeks ago, thank goodness for maternity leave) and anything else I've managed to leave out. No wonder my doctor thinks I'm stressed.
My main focus on this blog is on my relationship with M and I will try to stick to that as much as possible. I will definitely bring focus on my children and their relationship with him, as well. I think that is extremely important in this entire dynamic and it cannot be forgotten. Particularly so, given the ages of my children and their understanding/knowledge of the history with A. It has been hard for them to not see M as different from A and I know my oldest is extremely worried that the same thing will happen. He has a right to be concerned and I hope that I don't completely invalidate his feelings when I try to reassure him otherwise. They both witnessed far too much in their lives for me to be comfortable with and I am extremely sorry they had to see what they did.
I believe that this post in intended to explain where I am at, relationship-wise, with M. He is a first generation immigrant to Canada from an old-fashioned smaller village in Punjab so his thinking has been trained to be a certain way from birth. I try my very best to understand and accommodate this while at the same time, giving way for his open-mindedness and sometimes very refreshing modern ways of thinking. He throws me off on a regular basis with what he wants of me and what he doesn't. Of great importance to me is his thinking on religion, which very much coincides with mine and he is quite open-minded. He also doesn't have problems with me working nor being the higher paid one. I believe that if he was able to provide easily for all of us and I could stay home to be a SAHM, he would prefer it. I also would prefer it though, so the point is moot. I only do what I have to do. He eats basically whatever I cook without complaint and I have learned to try to provide him with meals that are easily seasoned with salt and have hot peppers on the side. The nice thing being that I am a good cook (as told to me by others) and what I make does satisfy the picky mouths I have to feed!
He does not approve of some ways that I dress, which I find surprising. I am a very modest individual and give great care not to expose my body in any undue fashion. Yet he will comment on clothing being too tight and perhaps too low in the chest area, even if it is modest by our standards. He does not like me to talk to any men if there is any slight possibility of a misunderstanding on my availability. I am permitted to speak with men at work, as this is part of my job function but outside of that, he would most clearly prefer it that I do not have any male friends and if I do, that I have him present beside me during conversations. He does, however, trust me and does not believe I will do anything against him. I feel this is an oxymoron, at best. I live in a culture where male friends are accepted and it is not a problem unless it is made into a problem. I do respect him and I do not maintain personal friendships with men except for the 3 close ones I have had for many years and whom I deem quite safe and trustworthy. They are all online, as well, which I hope does not pose any threat to M in his mind.
I don't want to elaborate too much more, as I think this will get too lengthy. I do want to mention his relationship with my children. It is tentative at best, though I think this is growing over time. It is difficult because M is very shy about his English skills and the boys tend to ask him to repeat himself, as his accent can be very thick. This causes M to retreat quite quickly and bonding does not happen. My youngest son is a very physical child and always has been so they communicate with playful behaviour and interactions, which I love to see. My oldest is not this way and is a very introverted, private person... much like myself, I suppose. He doesn't trust easily and hence, M and he do not share much of a bond. I hope this changes but it will take a lot of time.
I think that is all I have for tonight. There is so much more but I want to try to stay within a certain subject boundary so I don't overwhelm myself or anyone else too much at one time. Until next time...
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