I need a place to talk about my relationship, even if nobody reads it. I'm hoping that perhaps I can gain some perspective even from rereading what I write or who knows, maybe get a few followers in the process to provide me with advice (or negative comments, I don't even know).
First things first. I don't like to segregate people by their race but unfortunately my choice as my partner and our differences in our cultures has made this impossible. Particularly given the situation we are in. I believe that in any culture, the relationship we have created would be taboo as it is, but the culture/race spin on everything makes it that much more difficult.
Currently, I am 2 weeks away from giving birth to a baby and together with the father, so far. I shall call him M. He is mera mahi aa. He is from Punjab, India and has only been here in Canada for 4 years. The taboo part is that I dated his older brother, whom I shall call A. We dated for almost a year a couple years ago and things had become fairly serious between us. All the way up until he violently attacked me in a drunken rage and gave me a concussion, amongst other things. Even more taboo, if you know anything about Indian culture, is the fact that A had gone to his family (without my knowledge) and had asked to have permission to marry me. The family had actually considered it and was considering accepting me but was unaware of the... *ahem* violent situation which had come to pass.
I was married once before going on 10 years ago and I have 2 children from this marriage. This was a like to like marriage if you want to look at things that way as we are both basically caucasian. I am half First-Nations but you can't tell to look at me. My father's genes are very strong. The reason I mention this is not so much the racial reasoning but more to mention the marriage and the children. These children are my life and I could have lost them due to what A did to me. Sadly, the government felt that perhaps my choice in partners meant I was possibly not fit to be in custody of my children. I had to fight to keep my children and had successfully kept everything well under my control for quite some time until A decided he wanted to try to come back into my life without my consent.
A little over a year ago, A started calling me again and trying to patch things up. I didn't want to fix our relationship but was forgiving enough to see if it was possible for us to be friends again. This was not possible but it was mistake enough letting him back in. When it became apparent that he was still drinking, I tried to end all contact but he refused. He threatened me with the possibility of losing my kids if I contacted the police and I took the bait. Instead, I called his brother, M.
M became my defender, my knight, my saviour. I was able to call him to come collect his brother, to come help me. This happened more than once, more than twice. We started to develop a relationship, particularly when M started to open up about the things that A had done to him in the past. A's abusive nature had not just started with me. M told me of stories of when they were younger where A would wake him up beating him with a broom or start fighting with him violently for no reason. The worst one I remember was when M woke up with his bed on fire and A had clearly started it and was just watching it burn.
Our shared abuse became a common bond between us and we started to talk more and spend time together whenever possible. It seemed like this happy yet terribly taboo time that we could share. We knew if A found out, it was so incredibly dangerous to both of us but we couldn't stop ourselves. The attraction was fierce, intense and unbreakable. It was also unstoppable. It was like we were caught into this net that we couldn't get out of now that we had started.
M and I had these intense, secret meetings that went on for 4 months. Then I found out I was pregnant only because my body was behaving as though I was losing it. I'd actually believed I was unable to get pregnant due to a previous car accident and had been slightly lax with protection because of that. We had still used protection but I was not as adamant about it as I could have been. As they say, "oops!"
This was in mid-March. We are now mid-October. I will try to fill in the blanks up until then in further posts. Fast and to the point is that M is with me and made the choice to be with me and has actually moved in with us. I expected otherwise and was fully prepared to handle this on my own. I have been very grateful and happy with M's choice and I love him far more than I thought I did initially. I love him far more than I thought I COULD. I never expected us to be a permanent relationship and I never let myself open up that much with him, given the entire history. I have had to change myself in many ways up to this point, just to accommodate his choice to stay with us. I also never expected him to love ME this much. I don't believe that he is just doing what is "right", I believe that he is doing it because he really and truly loves ME and us, baby and my kids.
The point of this blog is to try to capture the essence of the dilemma of our relationship and our choices and also capture the key issues that occur between mixed race/dual heritage relationships. I have done a fair bit of searching online and there are not many sites out there. I would love to be able to help others with my experience and also garner advice wherever possible.
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